Are You a Perfectionist?

We are all human, imperfect, learning, growing, and vulnerable creatures.

Expecting ourselves and others to be perfect is destructive, it makes us feel ashamed and anxious, and interferes with our growth.

Much pain comes from trying to be perfect. When perfectionism shows up, it often brings its close friends: depression, anxiety and anger. Being a perfectionist can make people self-critical, feel inadequate, fearful, unhappy with life,  as well as to suffer lower self-confidence and self-esteem.

When we hold ourselves and others to unattainable standards,  without knowing it, we  put too much pressure on everyone, causing all to fear disapproval, feel overwhelmed, stuck, and stressed. Further, expecting perfection, makes it hard to acknowledge praise or celebrate progress.

We do a terrible, annoying thing to ourselves and others when we expect perfectionism, because it makes us feel rigid and inferior. We need to stop expecting perfection from our ourselves and from those around us. Our expectations of ourselves, others, and the outcomes, need to be reasonable. Expecting perfection is not reasonable. Because, in the end, real perfectionism isn’t about “having high standards.” It’s about control. Trying to have an impossible, irrational level of control over a world that is, by and large, uncontrollable.

A perfectionistic outlook is no fun. You live in the future, and the present is a high-stakes situation where every mistake has enormous ramifications later. You’re under perpetual threat, constantly scanning for worst-case scenarios, always trying to dodge any potential for error or criticism. Striving for excellence, creativity,  and the best everyone has to offer cannot happen in a fear-producing atmosphere of expecting perfection.

With the understanding that we and others will make mistakes, we can have a clear set of healthy boundaries for ourselves and others, as we strive to be the best version of ourselves, and believing the same of everyone else.

Are you relating to this? Or do you know someone else who might? Then, it is time to get out the toolbox and learn what  “tools” to use to fix what’s already “perfect”:

1)Develop awareness that you’re a perfectionist. The first step to letting go of perfectionism is to acknowledge that you’re a perfectionist. You can do this by reframing how you approach your projects and goals. Perfectionists create an ideal picture  in their mind of what the perfect result looks like. Overcoming perfectionism starts with being in motion, rather than living frozen by fear. To get into motion, focus on the value your idea can provide, as well as on the of speed of implementation, instead of constantly doubting,  polishing and perfecting.

Remind yourself  of the importance of what you’re doing, (NOT on how perfect it comes out to be), and  the difference the result will create in your own life and that of others.

2) Reevaluate Your Standards: How do other people do it? Are they still getting acceptable results? Are your rigorous standards worth the cost in terms of time, negative emotions,  and adding new members to the already long list of people who can’t stand dealing with your expectations? Try relaxing your standards just a bit. Were your worst fears realized? Probably not.

3)  Narrow your focus: Being perfect is the enemy of the good, but so is being distracted. If you have too many things on your mind and too many smaller projects to complete, your focus will be off. To overcome perfectionism start narrowing your focus. Decide on your most important,  and then become fully committed and emotionally engaged in only those projects.  If you have too many other things to worry about, you’ll feel stressed and overwhelmed, which can cause perfectionism to set in. It’s better to focus on a small number of important projects and see them through to completion.

4) Perfection or Excellence?  Excellence and high performance are not the same as perfection. Perfection is simply an unattainable goal, an ideal made up in our minds. If you start with the mindset that you or what you do is not good enough, (your project, your preparation, your appearance, your skills, and so on…), then you are just stuck – no matter how much you prepare, chances are that  you won’t be satisfied, so, things just stall and you don’t move forward.   Not only that is the biggest obstacle of perfection, but also,  you miss out on  contributing to people’s lives. It’s much better and more satisfying to complete a project simply by doing great work, than,  because of your high expectations, not doing it at all.

If you’re a perfectionist focus on what you do best and then, find collaborators to help bring your project or idea to fruition. This could be a team member, outside expert, or friend. The point here is to get unstuck and get things  done and finished.

5) Focus on progress not perfection. To stop perfectionism it’s important to focus on progress not perfection,  and that good enough is often the best way forward towards achieving your goals.

6) Retrain Your Inner Critic  Patanjali in the Yoga Sutras  said:  “Practice the Opposite” . When the “inner critic” begins negative and destructive comments in your mind, talk back to that voice. If the inner critic voice tells you, “You will never get this right,” you can say: “On the contrary, I often get things right and I’ll get this one right.” If that inner critic tells you: “No one wants to hear what you have to say, so don’t even bother saying it,” respond back: “Just the opposite, people listens to me with undivided attention because when I speak my words and eloquence contribute to their well-being”. Find a positive counter-statement for every negative statement the inner critic makes. It may take a little time, but in the end you’ll get used to answer back to that negative inner critic.

Perfectionism can drain your energy, complicate even the simplest decisions, and take the enjoyment out of life. If perfectionistic thinking is causing you stress and overwhelm, remember  to put these ‘tools’ at work, and re-calibrate your expectations.

We can find the balance between expecting too much and expecting too little. We can practice healthy tolerance, and acceptance of self and others. When we stop expecting ourselves, others, and outcomes to be perfect, we discover that everyone is doing much better than we thought,  and that there is much more beauty and fun in this world.

Let me know how these tools work,  I’d love to hear from you.

Veronica